The revolving door

I've been so unexpectedly AWOL here lately that I neglected to tell you that Lauren got back from her mission a few weeks ago! We have been luxuriating and adjusting ever since. When I run into friends (knowing how I was counting down the days) they usually ask a variation of this: "how does it feel to have all three of your kids under your roof again?" It is divine. And celebrated. And bittersweet. And fleeting. 

It's been spectacular. Not that there aren't tough parts to all this, especially readjusting to each other again and allowing for the growth and change that has taken place in each of us. At one point Lauren commented "I feel like a page that's been taken out of a book for a while and is trying to get stuffed back in place." I can totally relate to that feeling! But I've come to believe that families are connected differently than rigid, unforgiving book bindings: we are constantly evolving and accommodating change. After many years in one configuration (or at least a very gradually changing one), we are now a building constantly under renovation, not a static old book. 

Truth is, we've all been adjusting to the new reality of these years, which is that our family structure has renovated and reshuffled and installed a virtual revolving door: lots of transitions in and out, varying lengths of stays, and they're off again. That turning, pirouetting door provides constant opportunities to go off to new adventures and equally many welcome invitations to come back in. 

Tomorrow we head off on a long weekend trip together and then we begin another leaving season: first Lauren, off to spring term at university, then Maddy a few months later to her new university. I can almost feel the airy woosh of the revolving door slightly rustling my hair. They'll be back.

I went to France

Lyon, France

Just to catch everyone up: The husband and I flew to France two weeks ago to pick up our oldest daughter, Jordan, who was serving an 18 month mission for our church. For the duration of her mission, our communication was limited to e-mails and real-life, written letters -- oh, and those two sacrosanct, one-hour, Skype calls on Mother's Day and Christmas. All of this to say, it had been a long time since I'd seen or even really talked to my baby. I intended to march over to France, collect my child, and eat as many patisseries as humanly possible.

A few months before the completion of her mission, we received instruction that we should pick Jordan up at the mission president's home at 9 pm on Monday, November 10th. And since I didn't want to be stalker-mom in Lyon, France, I scheduled our flight to arrive that same day at 4 pm. And folks, we made it work! Both of our flights were on time (Houston to London, and London to Lyon). We made it through immigration in under five minutes, and our luggage came flying down the shoot. We rented a car (through some lovely ladies who spoke very little English), and jumped into the car with French-only instructions on how to operate the GPS. [Also, a public service announcement: If you rent a car in France, it's going to have standard transmission. In order to put the car in reverse, you have to pull the gear-shift-thingy UP.] So, yes, we were the clueless Americans in the Enterprise parking lot who couldn't reverse their car. But I was going to collect my first born, so I didn't care one bit! I'm clueless. I'm fine with that!

This is the bridge we walked across to get to our apartment. Pretty impressive, right?

And then, after months of waiting and more months planning, and many a night of anticipating, we were there -- just Sterling and I driving through French toll roads and roundabouts and then on the tiny cobbled streets leading into the heart of Lyon. We found the apartment we had rented on AirBnB quickly but got ourselves completely lost and befuddled trying to find parking. We may or may not have driven onto a square where cars are not allowed. Also, we may have driven the wrong way down a one way street (or two). But we found parking in the nick of time, and set off at a run with our luggage across a long bridge spanning the Saone River. We stashed our belongings, tidied our hair and clothes, and then ran back across the bridge to the car and set off for the mission president's home. We found it easily. Two missionaries met us outside and led us into a downstairs rec room. Two other sets of parents were already waiting. So we all stood around and made nervous chit chat, knowing good and well that our kids were just upstairs. After about 20 minutes Sterling and I were led up the up the stairs, and before I found my bearings on the next level . . . she was there. Walking towards me. Tears in her eyes. I just grabbed her up and held on. 

And then we were laughing, and the other parents started coming up behind us. We met the mission president and his wife and many of the other missionaries who were leaving with Jordan's transfer. And here's the strange part -- as she stood there next to me, my arm around her shoulders -- it was like I'd just seen her yesterday. Intellectually, I knew she'd been gone for a year and half, living an entirely different life in an entirely different country. But my heart didn't recognize those differences even one tiny bit. Maybe this is cheesy, but it was sort of like the bond between us, once stretched from Texas to France, immediately resumed it's original shape. And there we were -- the same but different. And honestly? Even though she has been forced to transition from missionary to mere mortal, I'd think she'd agree that with the people she loves . . . there is no gap in the relationship. We just take back up with our girl -- even though now she eats cheese and yogurt, which is a COMPLETE and BEFUDDLING surprise. 

Ta da! Upon entering the apartment in Lyon.

Up next: Part Deux: Eating our way from Lyon to Bordeux

Applying Season

This weekend Maddy sent her first of what feels like will be 3469 university applications (but is really more like 8-12, which is typical for her friends in the states). She chose one school to submit her application for their early consideration and the rest will be regular decision, due in December/January. 'Tis the season! 

I have to admit that this is a totally different process than with Lauren a few years ago (though not as different as when I applied and typed each application on a typewriter!). This probably stems from their different personalities, our level of experience with the process, and even their ages at application--Lauren was a barely-17 high school senior during the application process and Maddy is almost 19, thanks to the delay brought by our move to Australia. Lauren looked at her scores and GPA, chose a few schools, and was hopeful of her chances (she didn't really choose any long shots) and she ended up just where she wanted to be. However, I think partly because this was all so new to all of us, she also needed a bit more nudging and reminding throughout the process (read: harassing and non-stop nagging). We didn't do any of it for her; she was the train conductor and engineer of the enterprise but I definitely felt like the guy standing on the platform tapping his foot with a stopwatch in hand. The stakes just felt so high and uncertain! 

Maddy's been approaching it a little differently. She's motivated to blaze her own trail and has been looking longingly at a handful of schools for a few years now. (Let's just go ahead and call it the Gilmore Girls Effect, shall we?) She's applying at a range of schools--a mix of public and private, large and small, selective and less so.

Because of the unknowns related to applying from an international school (not to mention no college admissions counselor at her school), she doesn't really have a real sense of her chances. She's worked hard to put herself in the possible zone but who knows what the admissions offices are looking for or what they'll decide? Not me, that's who. 

Along the way, Maddy found a few resources that were really great in helping her to understand how to put together a college application:

General advice:
Yale has some great resources and advice for applicants to any university:
Advice on choosing where to apply
Advice on putting together your college application

Letters of recommendation:
Maddy found MIT's Guide to Writing Letters of Recommendation really helpful for explaining to her teachers and recommenders what the US admissions offices are expecting and how their letters are evaluated. (In Australia, admission to university is based not on extracurriculars or teacher recommendations but on your ATAR score so teachers don't write many recommendations at all.) She just included a little description and linked to it in her note to her recommenders. A nice email like this sample note to recommenders helped update her recommenders, orient them to the process, and refresh their memories about her contributions and achievements.

College admissions essays:
Khan Academy has a great new series on applying to college. Maddy thought their series of articles and videos on  writing a strong college admissions essay was especially helpful. 

Also, the website Medium has a contest called "Extra Credit" that awards scholarship money for excellent college application essays. They've posted a handful of winners and it's great reading to see the diversity of responses and get inspired for your own essay.

For parents:
Let it go, let it go. (Easier said than done, I know. I should have absorbed this four years ago!) Tufts's excellent admissions blog offers this advice:
"Often our concern, suggestions, insights, and shared wisdom are seen as an intrusion, or provide added stress.  Your daughter needs the independence and the knowledge that you believe she can do this on her own.  Your son will thrive knowing you trust him to succeed. Our job as parents is to support and provide a safe haven for our children in the midst of a crazy, pressure filled senior year.  Encourage your son or daughter to establish an earlier deadline in order to complete the application(s) in a timely fashion so the process doesn’t hijack the entire family dynamic...as parents we need to let our children sink or swim.  The application process is theirs and they will feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment once they have completed the applications and have met the deadline."

More Resources:

• Most universities use the Common Application, which is a great time saver for the applicant and the recommenders. Still, many colleges either do not use the Common App or add on extra essays or elements. Even if your student won't be applying for a year or two, it's not a bad idea to glance at the applications now to see what's expected. Here are the essay questions for this year. 
• NACAC (National Association for College Admission Counseling) has extensive information and advice on the college application process
• The US Department of Education's College Navigator is a one-stop resource for information about universities and colleges.

Now that I've spent a whole post on college applications, I need to add that I'm actually a big believer in de-escalating the craziness around this process. I remind my kids (and myself) that there are many great places to go and learn and that while we'd be happy for them if they land at one of the places toward the top of their list, what we really celebrate is the work they've put into their education so far and their continued quest for learning--not where they go. I think the philosophy of "fix it and forget it" fits here: Sure, do your best on tests/applications but don't obsess or worry. This application is just a blip in your life. Do it and then move on!

---

Do you have a child applying for college this year or in past years? What's the experience been? Any advice?

So what do I do NOW?

[Note: Friday gems this week are going to be Saturday gems. A post! On Saturday even.]

As Annie explained in our last post, we've been tossing back and forth the evolution of this little old blog. We are admittedly all over the map, and I think that's because our lives are, in many ways, pinging random-like amongst our family responsibilities, church duties, academic pursuits, interests, and, of course, Netflix. There's no neatly outlined game plan for this portion of our lives, which I find wildly exhilarating and mildly confusing. Some days I'm carpooling and planning birthday dinners and writing. Some nights I find myself in this house alone. ALONE. Can you even believe it? I know I can't.

And right now? Now I'm nesting.

In two and half weeks Sterling and I fly to France to pick up our daughter from her 18 month mission. The plane tickets were purchased some months ago, but now I'm finalizing places to stay, and a car to rent, and googe translating directions. Of course, once Jordan is with us she can be our translator, but before we actually swoop in and claim her . . . we have to rent a car, find our airbnb flat, AND find her mission office. Wish us luck.

I've imagined our reunion with her dozens of times. I think I'll be nervous, which seems ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing to be nervous about. I know I'll be excited out of my mind. Have you seen the YouTube video where the missionary tackles his mom? I'm thinking it might go something like that -- except it will be me . . . flattening Jordan. And then I have a million things to tell her and a million questions to ask. I want to hear about every adventure, and all of the people she has met, and exactly what it is like to be a Texan living in France. (For instance, 18  months without queso. It's horrifying.)

Have I mentioned we pick her up at 9 PM? And that we will be jet lagged?

Honestly, I try not to envision the reunion too much. It's a little too MUCH emotional anticipation even for me. So, I'm nesting. Jordan's childhood room has long ago been taken over by a younger sibling -- all of Jordan's college belongings hastily stashed in an unused bedroom. Two days ago I painstakingly cleaned out the room, dragging its miscellaneous contents into the gameroom. Yesterday the painter came. Now I have a clean, white slate and innumerable Justin Bieber posters with which to begin. (JK on the Biebs re-entering the room.)

I'm hoping for a grown-up, peaceful, eclectic vibe that rejuvenates my weary traveler.

Maybe something like this:

image via decorpad

Or this:

image via southernweddings

My only constraints are time (two weeks people) and money (flying to France, ahem). I'm heading to Marshall's now. Wish me luck!

Nesting and launching 2.0

"The most exciting movement in nature is not progress, advance, but expansion and contraction, the opening and shutting of the eye, the hand, the heart, the mind. We throw our arms wide with a gesture of religion to the universe; we close them around a person. We explore and adventure for a while and then we draw in to consolidate our gains." - Robert Frost

photo by Charmi Pena via The Moment Junkie

Bravo, Mr. Frost.

Yesterday Sarah and I had a good Skype catch-up session, chatting about life, good mail, kids' college aspirations, our own academic adventures, and bloggery. I think this Frost passage articulates what we're trying to capture here on ye olde blog--ideas for navigating that worn path between independence and connection, adventure and comfort that midstage families experience.

When Nest & Launch first launched we saw a gap in the existing blogs and wanted to address the particular joys and challenges of life with teens and big kids. Along the way we've realized that, for us anyway, it goes beyond that. At this point in life, parallel to the nest-and-launch process with our kids, we're each also going through our own nesting and launching process: thinking about how to throw our arms wide to the world as well as embracing our connections at home.

This is just to say that we're widening our definition of nest and launch here. You'll still see posts and ideas on midstage parenting but we're also keen to post about nesting and launching as a theme in our own individual lives--and yours. 

Cheers to you and yours! xx 

Virtual mentors and finding your thing

Doesn't everyone dream of packing up and moving to Paris? (Raising my hand and nodding vigorously.) A few years ago Sharon Eubanks decided to do it.  Just like that she quit her job, sold her house, and moved to Paris to find her dreams. Live it vicariously with her in this TED talk where she talks about "slowing down the frantic pace of modern life to find creative energy, purposeful acts, and meaningful relationships." And she realizes in the process that you don't need Paris to get there:

"I'm on a train, it's early spring and I'm looking out the window and I see men and women out in fields and they're getting the ground ready to plant and they're trimming vines and they're getting ready for this great act of faith. They're going to plant. They're going to plant olives and they're going to put in grapes and they're going to have this harvest, which would be later on. As I look at them, I realize: I feel like that. I feel like I'm ready to do some great act of faith where I've kind of thawed out, I've kind of prepared the ground. I'm ready for it. But what is it? What is that thing? And as I thought about that conscious "I'm ready" all of the sudden--you know how the Salt Lake valley gets inversions...and then you wake up the next morning and it's just crystal clear?--it was like that. It was just crystal clear....And it didn't have to do with an exotic place. What it did have to do with was slowing down."

. . .

I have this mental list of virtual, long-distance life mentors. I draw inspiration from their examples and think of them as my pantheon of enlisted advisors, an imaginary council of women (mostly) and men who provide a wide range of inspiring examples to follow and motivation to proceed. Learning about their struggles and paths and processes helps me keep trudging along on mine. Maira Kalman, Madeleine L'Engle, Esther Peterson, Julia Child, Anne Lamott, Anna Quindlen, Catherine Thomas, Brene Brown, Louis Armstrong, Eugene England, Samantha Power, Lowell Bennion, Emma Lou Thayne, Madeleine Albright (the list goes on and on and of course includes people I know in real life, too) all have a seat at the table.

I think Sharon Eubanks might be the newest candidate. She has a really cool and meaningful job as the director of an international humanitarian organization, speaks articulately about my religion's doctrine regarding women, and just seems to be an all-around cool human. 

What about you? Who are your virtual life mentors?

Things big kids do: the summer internship

In terms of documenting things big kids do, I thought it might be helpful to discuss our experience with the summer internship. As has been the case with my older girls, I often feel like I'm reinventing the wheel with each new stage of their lives. And how silly -- these aren't the first kids to get their driver's license or a summer job or leave for college, but when I consult the world wide web about these big kid issues -- the Internet can be suspiciously quiet.

Bueller? Bueller? (That's what I mean by quiet.)

The How: Our kind neighbor gave Maddie the heads up on a possible internship opportunity. We were all "NYC? Wow! Ooh! Aah!" And then when Maddie actually got the internship in NYC, we were all "Wow! Ooh! Aah! WAIT . . . does this mean my baby has to live in NYC by her lonesome?" It was true. They did not provide parent housing as part of the internship. This was a serious bummer. But we persevered.

The where: After many hours of Internet research, we narrowed Maddie's housing choices down to the dorms at NYU or International House, a dorm-like residence very close to Columbia. Maddie eventually chose I-House because they offered single rooms, and we were unsure about going potluck on a roommate. 

The when: Maddie's Internship ran the first week of June through the first week of August. This seemed to fall in line with other interns she met while in the city.

For the mommas: I flew to New York with Maddie because I wanted to check out her living arrangements for myself. The area was quiet and her dorm was well-secured. Even so, there was no one to notice if she arrived home after work, so if I hadn't heard from her I texted an "are you alright?" message before I went to bed. I also tried to make her promise not to go out by herself after dark, but she didn't obey me on that one. Can you even imagine?

As for the specifics, I asked Maddie a few questions. Here are her answers:

What was it like living by yourself in a strange city?

At first it was really scary and lonely. I didn't know anyone! But once I started meeting people at work and at church, I felt more comfortable and less nervous. After about two weeks I definitely felt more at home. By the end, I hated to leave! As for I-House, it was really nice to have my own space. However, I never really met anyone socially at I-House, so it was a little isolating.

What was your first day of work like? Were you nervous?

My first day was training in New Jersey (not in my real office). The training was organized and I was with hundreds of other interns, so I didn't feel too uncomfortable or nervous. The second week I started at my actual office on Times Square. I'm not going to lie -- it was a little gut-wrenching to walk through those doors. I had know idea what I was getting myself into!

Did you make friends? Where did you meet them?

Yes. I became good friends with all of the interns in my department because we spent so much time together. I also made really good friends at church. It was nice to have people to explore the city with on the weekends. We even went to Philadelphia for July 4th. 

What was your favorite part of the internship experience?

It was cool that we worked on real, legitimate projects. The company could have just given us filing or copy work, but instead we got real actuarial experience. Being in the city was also a great experience -- there were so many new things to see (exhibits, restaurants, shows).

What was the worst part?

Getting around NYC took forever! The subway was so hot, and I wore heels to work which made the commute painful at times! I really missed just jumping in my car for a quick trip to the store. 

Favorite places in NYC?

Times Square (where I worked, Broadway shows), Brooklyn Flea, Jacob's Pickles (fave restaurant), Central Park, Jin (ramen place near my room)

From the mom perspective, I can tell you that this summer was a huge confidence booster for Maddie. She's lived and worked on her own in New York City, which makes a lot of other "firsts" pale in comparison. And lucky girl, she already has plans to return to the city next summer. Maybe this time she'll take me with her!